Wednesday, December 30, 2009
i am addicted to being self-important.

the fact is, nobody can be the best in anything and everything all at once. but why do i keep trying? why do i embark on such a mission, knowing that it will never end?

right now, i've come a long way. i've acquired a number of skills, viewpoints, perceptions. what do i do with them?

let's assume for a moment that i AM that good. or how i like to think i'm that good at some time in life. what do i do? me, thinking that i'm better at someone at something, takes over his/her job. and soon, i come across someone else who does a 'sub-optimal' job. and i absorb them too.

and before long, i'm swamped with a mountain of tasks. and to make things worse, i'm not really that good after all.

i've come to trust my teams more now. but the pursuit of being better never ends. why?

what is this, some inferiority complex manifesting as a desire to want to outdo everyone at everything? fear and insecurity that nobody will love me and accept me for who i am?

these are all possible reasons, but they don't fit perfectly into the picture. what then, is another mission for me.



Tuesday, December 29, 2009
i am seriously tired. humans need sleep, that's a fact. but there's so much to be done and so little time.

and people are complicated creatures. that's an understatement.

back to work it is.

edit:

i thrive on good work and praise.

John 12:43 - For they loved the praise of men more than the praise of God.

so i am getting my priorities wrong?



Thursday, December 10, 2009
i do trust you guys, i know you all can and are willing to work. i feel guilty leaving you all idle as well.

but i feel that, idk, the ideas brainstormed are always a rough gem: good but somewhat off, and so i do the corrections myself to make all the pieces fit.

all i can say is that in my head, i am always brainstorming and playing the devil's advocate at the same time. and trying to incorporate elements of everyone's ideas. making it come together is really not an easy job and i take super long to get it done. that much i'm aware of.

i'm afraid of failure. i want to do well to the point that i am willing to resort to things i'm not happy about, ie staying up entire nights, hoarding all the work etc.

i don't want that. i've tried to impose my opinions and control less since last sem, but i must say dma has been a horrible experience (grades-wise anyway).

give me more time to work out my inner demons, or better yet, tell me honestly what i'm doing wrong so i can improve.

and very finally, i'm sorry for being such an ass.



Wednesday, December 09, 2009
seriously, do not get on my nerves.

i do not think my ideas are foolproof, and i do my best to accommodate everyone's ideas and suggestions.

if you think you're that good, stop making snide remarks and show me how good you really are. why is it that after working for so long together you still can't trust my direction? i may not be handsome, athletic, uber geniusy or whatever but if there's one thing i am good at, it's visualizing ideas and knowing what works and what doesn't. so just trust me already. in all the goodness of your heart, ask yourself how many marks/how much of that GPA is actually helped by me.

if you're just having PMS cramps, bf troubles or whatever, just tell everyone you're having a bad day. we'll understand. if not stop sulking around and making my life difficult.

and i thought we were all getting along fine

i don't want to claim credit, i don't want to make myself a humanitarian or whatever. i just want to get my freaking marks. a good GPA. and move on with life. i know what i'm doing, and i don't mind doing a bit more work than the rest. all i ask is that you trust me, no matter how obstinate andor demanding i may seem.

gah.

you know what, i'm just going to shut up and sit down.

although it wasn't me who came up with the original courtroom idea, i don't blame anyone but myself for the way things turned out. if i didn't like that idea, i should have opposed then. instead of later, when it's all too late.

fucking downward spirals.



Saturday, November 07, 2009
so much has happened since the last time i posted. i don't know where i should or want to begin.

i'm moving on without her. of course, i still think about her from time to time, but more or less, i got over her. it was painful initially, but i guess breakups are inevitable. you just got to move on. i hope she can too.

life is busy busy busy. i spent 2 entire weeks in beijing on immersion programme. i had lots of fun and met a bunch of really fun people. only downside is that i have quite a bit to catch up on. and i have events presentation due the coming week. aw crap.

not to mention my darling rachel has been crapping out on me. the doctors can't find anything wrong with her. i want to break up with her, it's too much for me to bear. i'll find myself a new macbookpro. i'll post more about her on my tech blog, geekandabunlet.tumblr.com, which is also my design and illustration blog.

yeah, that's about it. i've ridden my way out of another emo phase and each time i do that, i realized i become more relac. that's a good thing, right?



Thursday, September 17, 2009
there is probably only so much pain a person can endure.



Sunday, August 30, 2009




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